I think at least once in our lives, we encounter a person who proves to be toxic to us. Let’s call them drama divas because, well, drama seems to follow them everywhere. We don’t always see their toxicity, at least not right away. But eventually, we find ourselves feeling icky inside when they are around, and breathing huge sighs of relief when they leave. Who are these people and how to recognize them? Here’s a handy dandy checklist!

1. In the relationship, they tell you it’s your fault when things go wrong or you are consistently set up to take the blame for when things go wrong. This is a red flag! Nothing is ever their fault and they refuse to take any responsibility in the relationship for things they may be at fault for. Also, they never apologize, even when faced with the facts of their own transgressions.
2. The other person is chronically self-absorbed. If they always talk about themselves and never ask about you and how you are doing, or only call when they need to vent or want something from you, they’re toxic. Google the word ‘narcissist’.
3. If you find yourself feeling emotionally exhausted after spending time with them, they might be energy vampires. They just seem to pull the good energy from you and leave you drained.
4. They constantly portray themselves as a victim. It doesn’t matter what bad times you might be going through, they can always one-up you (they’ve gone through so much worse than you and will tell you all about it, prefaced by the words “at least you didn’t have….”) and then they feel justified in withholding their sympathy. Cultivating your sympathy is how they grab attention for themselves. Or they play the helpless card so that you end up doing things for them that they could do for themselves if they really wanted to. Either way, they entirely lack empathy for you and your troubles. In their eyes, only they deserve sympathy because of how rough they portray their lives to be.
5. They have no respect for boundaries you try to put out there, or any respect for your saying ‘no’. You tell them that you have to get off the phone and they just keep talking. You say you can’t do something for them and they guilt trip you. Push back a little harder against them when they don’t respect your boundaries and watch them overreact to your ‘audacity’!
6. They want to control you . They use manipulation, guilt, anger and jealousy to do so. Their anger intimidates you. Their jealousy causes you to feel uncomfortable about your accomplishment or possession because of how it makes them feel. They will eventually make you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around them in order to not upset them accidentally.
7. They give back-handed compliments. There’s always a little negativity attached to them. “You’d be so pretty if you just lost 10 lbs.”
8. Gaslighting. When they lie to you to purposely skew your view of reality, like denying they did a thing or telling you you’re crazy because things didn’t happen the way you saw them, that’s gaslighting. If you aware of this happening in your relationship with someone, you really need to decide if you need this person in your life because they don’t care about the great harm they are doing to your mental health!

Drama surrounds these people because they are either attention seeking or quite purposely stirring up trouble for the sake of manipulating others to their own selfish ends. If you recognize these behaviours in people you know and love, what can you do? Since others will not change until they see their own need for change, don’t hold your breath that things will get better anytime soon. Some people never have that epiphany. But if their behaviour makes you uncomfortable or is bringing harm and negativity to your life in some way, you have every right to let go of the relationship and walk away, or at the very least, put them out on the fringes of your life where they can do the least damage. You are not anyone’s doormat nor are you responsible for the happiness of others, especially when it comes at the price of your own happiness or sanity.

So if there is a toxic person wreaking havoc in your life, do yourself a favour and consider lovingly letting them go. It might be a hard thing to do, but ultimately, you can never make these toxic people truly happy. Your mental health and happiness is just as important as anyone else’s and no one has the right to demand that you give that up for them in any way, shape or form.