A blog post written in 2018 while on vacation….!

I’m currently up at the cottage on vacation.  My family arrives late today, but the time I have spent alone has been quite restorative.  I’ve done some art and I posted a photo of it on Facebook yesterday.  My 24-year-old niece, whom I love to bits, commented on the art, “Is there anything you can’t do?”  Then she put #DawntheWonderWoman.  I smiled.  It stuck with me all day yesterday.  And here is my response, Kaitlyn.

Is there anything I can’t do?  Well, maybe.  Probably.  But life is meant to be lived.  Fully.  Expressively.  And if you never take chances, you won’t grow.  You won’t accomplish much.  You won’t be as fulfilled as you could be.  And trust me, life can be happy and full and worthwhile.  Many of us realize that much later in life than we’d like.

Early in my adult life, I experienced some major failures.  They affected me deeply.  They further eroded the tenuous grasp I had on the tiny shred of self-esteem I then possessed.  So I went on to live my life “safely”, doing the culturally expected things and twisting my personality and psyche to try to be something that I wasn’t.  I tried to conform to what other people expected of me as a wife, a mother, a church member. (Sidenote: this is even more difficult to do if the church you belong to happens to be a cult.  But I’m feeling much better now!)  So, being afraid to fail again, I tried very hard to be the best version of me that would be acceptable to my (then) husband, the church, and what I felt society expected of me.  When you are a broken person, you tend to look for band-aids, any band-aids, that might help you feel more ‘together’.  So I did the church thing, the June Cleaver mom thing.  Things that I thought would give me an identity that people could accept and admire. As a result, I struggled with depression for many years, but sought no help because I felt that meant I was weak.  How did these coping mechanisms pan out for me?  Well, I lost my marriage.  I lost my ministry in the church.  I lost all my friends within the church, which were pretty much all the friends I had.  Things that at the time in my life were soul-wrenchingly painful and left me almost devoid of hope.  I can honestly say that if it weren’t for my kids and having to be there for them,  I would likely not be here now.

A funny thing happened, though, when I was left to my own devices without the input of the church and the influence of a husband who, at the time, didn’t think very much of me.  I found Dawn again.  The quirky, funny, weirdo who likes bohemian things;  a veritable PollyAnna.  Mind you, it took time to let this version, my best version of myself, come to the surface.  After a few years on my own, I was well on my way there, but then having someone like Paul in my life really helped kick start my metamorphosis.  In my church days, I gravitated towards the lessons of unconditional love and acceptance.  I still try to be that kind of person, one who is loving and accepting.  But it was Paul who truly showed me unconditional love and acceptance, which in turn helped me to see myself as worthy of such.  It gave me the freedom to express myself fully and without reservation.  He was the safe place I had always wished I’d had.  And once my self-esteem level began to rise, so did my tolerance for risk taking.

I had toyed with the idea of writing a book for years.  I knew I had the language skills and the imagination (thank you Mrs. Alexander, for your encouragement all those years ago.)  But I was out of practice.  So I made an investment in myself.  I bought a website and hosting package and spent a month learning the ropes on website design so I could have my That Savvy Girl blog.  And for months, I made sure I wrote something there nearly daily.  Both to get the creative juices flowing, and maybe share something smile-worthy with the world.  Then, there was the now defunct blog at notjustablondemonkey.com, which was short lived, where I wrote more thought provoking articles; the kind that I now share on Savvy Girl.  That website has transformed over time as well.   And when I was ready, I wrote that book.  Under a pseudonym, mind you, but I wrote it.  And then I wrote a couple more.  Are they bestsellers? Ha, no! Do  they sell?  They make me a residual income that keeps me in coffee.  But the important thing is that I did it!  I wrote a blog. I wrote books.  I learned how to design and manage a website.  These are not great feats in the grand scheme of the universe, but for the shy and hesitant person I used to be, they are huge.

It was a fluke that led me to start my publishing business.  Kind of a see a need, fill a need thing.  I have to give credit to Paul because he talks me up to people and sends them my way.  I have really enjoyed helping aspiring authors get their books published.  I do really enjoy helping people, weirdo that I am!  When I stumbled across a fluid art video in early spring, I thought, hey, that looks really cool!  So I learned how to do fluid art.  (Paul helps me out by graciously accepting the Michael’s 50% off coupons I send him, and then comes with me to get art supplies, even though he dislikes the store!)   It took a lot of trial an error, but I can more or  less consistently turn out beautiful art in that medium now.  Avenues are opening up for selling it, too.  So that’s kind of awesome as well.

Is there anything I can’t do?  Of course, but the things I want to do, I’m not afraid to try anymore. I have realized that life is short, it goes too fast, so do what you love.  Be unabashedly the badass self you want to be! If you have it in you to put yourself out there to bring a smile, a hug, or words of kindness or wisdom, then share them.  The world needs more goodness, positivity, optimism, love and charity.  The world needs people with strong voices that will speak up for the lost, the hurting, the different.  In my case, I like to see people smile, so day to day that is  my goal.  To share smiles, share jokes, and be a decent, caring human being.  I try to be there for people because I know what it is like to not have anyone at all.  I finally quit caring (much) what other people think.  Most people are going to judge you anyway, so just go and do ‘you’ to the best ability that you have.  If you want to change, then make a change.  No one is going to do it for you.  But there are people to help along the way if you need it.  You need to know that you are worth whatever it takes to become the person you want to be.  If that requires lessons, mental health help, therapy, medication, dieting, whatever; if it’s what is needed so that you can be a happy and whole individual, then you are worth the cost, physically, mentally, emotionally and financially to get there.

The legacy you leave behind is being built now, today.  It is those things that you will be remembered for.  Maybe they will be huge things, or maybe they will be small things.  I hope that when I am gone, I will be remembered with a smile.  That would make all that I’ve been through and done, worthwhile.

So Kaitlyn, to answer your question, if I put my mind to it, I’m sure anything is possible.  And if you believe in yourself, you can do anything, too.