I saw the above photo on Facebook today. It prompted me to reach out and write to a friend and her wife to let them know how they were a part of my decision to give up religious ministry, for all the right reasons. Let me tell you a little story…

I went to my high school reunion in 2010. I met a friend I hadn’t seen since high school and she introduced me to her wife. They were a lovely couple and I spent most of the reunion at the same table with them, having a really great time. I was then in the ministry; praise and worship leader at my church and also the treasurer for the local Aglow chapter. I was in the unique position to see many pastors and ministers when they weren’t ‘on’ for church, and some of the things I saw weren’t always endearing. I think it is because for some of them, they couldn’t let go of doing the same old thing that they have always done. And then some preferred to sit in quiet superiority over others. At that time I was struggling to stay in ministry because I really have a heart for people who are hurting, yet I could see so much hypocrisy in the church that claimed to care for all, but wanted to put rules and conditions on that ‘loving care’. The church I was attending was better than most for acceptance and tolerance, but I wanted better for the people who walked in the doors. The God I believed in loves all people, regardless of sex, race, colour, sexual preference or identity. But that wasn’t the tune being played in some of the circles I was a part of.

So I sat at the table that reunion night, having delightful discourse with these two women who very obviously loved each other and who, with humour tinged with sadness, made jokes about finding burning crosses in their yard from the people who didn’t agree with their lifestyle. Words meant to bring levity to a serious and scary situation, that made me feel both sick and sad at how f**king needless it was. I literally spent a few weeks agonizing over what to do about church and ministry. The church (read that, uber-religious people) might have said these women were guilty of sin. What I saw were two people very much in love. What of Jesus’ words about loving your neighbour as yourself? He didn’t rule out anyone there. He meant your black neighbour, Muslim neighbour, gay neighbour – all of them. And yet so many in the Christian church feel compelled to judge and point fingers, condemning people while failing to realize two important things. One is that sin is sin and none of us is without it. While you point a finger at others for some sort of sin that maybe you don’t enjoy, there are three are pointing back at you: a reminder that you have faults and make mistakes , so who are you to judge another when you are just as guilty of falling short of the mark? Two is that the law was nailed to the cross, fulfilled in Jesus, and we are no longer under the law which means … quit cherry picking your old testament scriptures to use to beat people up and get on board the love wagon with Jesus and start being a caring, concerned human being instead of a tone-deaf bible thumper.

I don’t go to church often now. Partly for the reasons I’ve mentioned above, and partly because I still suffer PTSD from the cult church I attended almost two decades ago. Sitting in a church on Sunday no more makes you a good Christian than standing in your garage makes you a car. I love people, and my ‘ministry’ now is to make them smile, to offer positive energy and encouragement and hope that my current life can be an example of how to overcome trauma and betrayal to find happiness and fulfillment. My books and blogs have come about in order to reach out to people and show them that there are people who have empathy and compassion in the world, and to hopefully inspire them to live fully, authentically and with much joy.

Back to the image I shared above. I had wrestled with telling my friend and her wife for the past couple of years about how their being true to themselves helped me to change my path to one where I live authentically, happy and fulfilled, and perhaps quite a ways outside the small-minded boxes of religious folks. Today I wrote to them and told them how a chance few hours with them sparked a change in my life for the better. The message I received back from them was heartfelt and moved me to tears.

Instead of all the fighting about who can marry whom or what bathroom a person should use, or what team a person can play on or picking on whatever differences a person may have that you are not familiar with, perhaps we can practice compassion, empathy and try to be more understanding. In case y’all forgot, that’s the golden rule that Jesus talked about.