So often in life, we have times when we have to wait. Sometimes, it’s for good things, lovely things, like the countdown to a party, a wedding, a baby’s birth or a much anticipated vacation. And then, there are times we are waiting for things, and the wait seems to make our life almost stand still; things that make the minutes seem like hours, and days like years. Like waiting for a word from the doctors when a loved one is in surgery, or wondering if today is the day you’ll hear back about that badly needed job you interviewed for. Or, in my case, I’ve waited a long month to see a specialist, and now I’m waiting on pins and needles for a biopsy to be booked, whose anticipated results will most likely lead to cancer surgery, based on preliminary findings.

Thirty years ago in my teens, I had a run-in with cancer that lasted two weeks from suspicion to surgery. I’m not sure if the quick resolution had to do with the fact that I was so young, or perhaps the protocols were different then. I do remember being scared out of my head; I was 19, living on my own, planning my (first) wedding and dreaming of my bright future when a doctor told me I had cancer. I had 6 days to wrap my head around it before the surgery. The wait was intolerable for one so young (and impatient, very impatient!). I just wanted it to be over. Thankfully, surgery was all I needed. That and about 25 scopes thereafter to make sure the cancer hadn’t come back. (It never did.)

Now, I’m looking at the real possibility of facing cancer again. I’m a much different woman now than I was the first time a doctor threw that word at me years ago. In that span of time since then, I’ve survived a lot of trials in my life, the highlights being a painful divorce, enduring then leaving a cult church and also grieving the loss of two babies. Most days, my attitude is that this possible-cancer-thing is just another bump in the road. I’ve got this! And other days, my mind plays the ‘what if?’ game. You know, the one where you try to play out every possible bad scenario, as if to prepare yourself for the worst, but only depressing yourself in the process. It took me nearly 50 years of my life to finally accept myself for who I am. I’m finally pursuing some of the dreams I never thought I’d have the confidence to reach for. I am so blessed to be married to my awesome best friend, and people comment everywhere we go about our laughter and smiles. Life is pretty sweet right now and I’d certainly like it to stay that way.

But for now, I have to wait, my future up in the air. This could all be over by Christmas, or it might take a month or two longer than that. (Apparently, unless absolutely the worst case scenario, I have that kind of time to wait that long for treatment.) Even though much of this is out of my control and comfort zone, the one thing I can control is my attitude. Patience is not my best virtue, but I am trying to wait as patiently, hopefully and joyfully as I can.

The two things I know for sure are that I have an awesome support system, and I’m a pretty tough and determined old chick when I want to be. So I think that despite the down days, I’m going to come out on top of this stronger than ever 🙂