Category: Sparkles of Encouragement

On Learning to Love Yourself

On Learning to Love Yourself

Posted on by Dawn

Despite our best efforts, sometimes negativity alights on our shoulders and whispers unkindness in our ears. It happens. For those who struggle with self-esteem and mental health issues, it happens more often than we’d like. I wish I could say it’s easy to overcome the negativity, especially when others have forced that kind of vibe on us during our formative years and beyond. It’s not easy but it is a worthy pursuit!

When my first marriage broke up, I was devastated and was also dealing with the fallout of leaving what many would consider an abusive church. I felt unloved, unwanted and utterly defeated in life. It was easy to dwell on the negatives while grieving my losses, but I realized that if no one else was being particularly kind to me, well, I could certainly give it a whirl. If anyone else had confided in me that they were going through a similar trial, I would have told them to be gentle with themselves, to take really good care of themselves and to rest and find ways to work through their intense emotions. Basically, I would be telling them to love themselves. It’s something many of us struggle with because being truly good to ourselves isn’t exactly an intuitive thing when you have self-esteem issues.

Self-love is not selfish, but a necessity in order to be the best version of ourselves that we can be! If you take care of you first, then you have the strength and resources to take care of others and maybe even take on the challenges of a world seemingly gone mad. So be kind to yourself. Eat good food and get plenty of rest. Remind yourself of how far you’ve come, not how far you have to go. If you’re choking back anger or hurt, give yourself permission to express those emotions so healing can come. Write them down, have a good cry, scream into a pillow. If you don’t, those repressed emotions have a sneaky tendency to surface when least wanted because you didn’t deal with them. In most everything, it is possible to re-frame the circumstances and journey with positivity and gratitude if you just spend a little mental effort to do so. And you’ll be surprised at how much better you feel day to day when you make the effort to be kind and loving to yourself.

It’s maybe not the answer to all your woes, but it sure helps to get through them with strength, dignity and grace. It takes some effort but the results are worth it. Because YOU are worth it!

Drama Divas and the Power of Letting Go

Drama Divas and the Power of Letting Go

Posted on by Dawn

I think at least once in our lives, we encounter a person who proves to be toxic to us. Let’s call them drama divas because, well, drama seems to follow them everywhere. We don’t always see their toxicity, at least not right away. But eventually, we find ourselves feeling icky inside when they are around, and breathing huge sighs of relief when they leave. Who are these people and how to recognize them? Here’s a handy dandy checklist!

  1. In the relationship, they tell you it’s your fault when things go wrong or you are consistently set up to take the blame for when things go wrong. This is a red flag! Nothing is ever their fault and they refuse to take any responsibility in the relationship for things they may be at fault for. Also, they never apologize, even when faced with the facts of their own transgressions.
  2. The other person is chronically self-absorbed. If they always talk about themselves and never ask about you and how you are doing, or only call when they need to vent or want something from you, they’re toxic. Google the word ‘narcissist’.
  3. If you find yourself feeling emotionally exhausted after spending time with them, they might be energy vampires. They just seem to pull the good energy from you and leave you drained.
  4. They constantly portray themselves as a victim. It doesn’t matter what bad times you might be going through, they can always one-up you (they’ve gone through so much worse than you and will tell you all about it, prefaced by the words “at least you didn’t have….”) and then they feel justified in withholding their sympathy. Cultivating your sympathy is how they grab attention for themselves. Or they play the helpless card so that you end up doing things for them that they could do for themselves if they really wanted to. Either way, they entirely lack empathy for you and your troubles. In their eyes, only they deserve sympathy because of how rough they portray their lives to be.
  5. They have no respect for boundaries you try to put out there, or any respect for your saying ‘no’. You tell them that you have to get off the phone and they just keep talking. You say you can’t do something for them and they guilt trip you. Push back a little harder against them when they don’t respect your boundaries and watch them overreact to your ‘audacity’!
  6. They want to control you . They use manipulation, guilt, anger and jealousy to do so. Their anger intimidates you. Their jealousy causes you to feel uncomfortable about your accomplishment or possession because of how it makes them feel. They will eventually make you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around them in order to not upset them accidentally.
  7. They give back-handed compliments. There’s always a little negativity attached to them. “You’d be so pretty if you just lost 10 lbs.”
  8. Gaslighting. When they lie to you to purposely skew your view of reality, like denying they did a thing or telling you you’re crazy because things didn’t happen the way you saw them, that’s gaslighting. If you aware of this happening in your relationship with someone, you really need to decide if you need this person in your life because they don’t care about the great harm they are doing to your mental health!

Drama surrounds these people because they are either attention seeking or quite purposely stirring up trouble for the sake of manipulating others to their own selfish ends. If you recognize these behaviours in people you know and love, what can you do? Since others will not change until they see their own need for change, don’t hold your breath that things will get better anytime soon. Some people never have that epiphany. But if their behaviour makes you uncomfortable or is bringing harm and negativity to your life in some way, you have every right to let go of the relationship and walk away, or at the very least, put them out on the fringes of your life where they can do the least damage. You are not anyone’s doormat nor are you responsible for the happiness of others, especially when it comes at the price of your own happiness or sanity.

So if there is a toxic person wreaking havoc in your life, do yourself a favour and consider lovingly letting them go. It might be a hard thing to do, but ultimately, you can never make these toxic people truly happy. Your mental health and happiness is just as important as anyone else’s and no one has the right to demand that you give that up for them in any way, shape or form.

You Don’t Know Until You Try

You Don’t Know Until You Try

Posted on by Dawn

So, a much more timid version of me decided five years ago that if I was ever going to be a writer, well, I needed to start writing. I got myself a free blog over on Blog.com and I wrote stuff. At least, I did when the website would let me in! I wrote stuff a lot of people never got to see, but I was honing my skills, day by day. And now, in less than a month, it will be the 4th anniversary of my first website, thatsavvygirl.com, my blog that has morphed over the years from a hodge podge of articles about my life to now being a more political, deep thinking kind of place. And in the years between then and now, a few other websites have come and gone, like notjustablondemonkey.com, dawnstilwell.com and dawnings.ca. They served their purposes and then I put them away. It has been just over 3 years since my first published book, and I’ve published 4 more since. All under pseudonyms, all a bit radical in their own way, and this year I plan to publish my first book under my own name. I just have to find the time to finish writing it!

And while I’m doing that, I’ve got The Publishing Shop branching out into website design and hosting, Indigo Bohemian Art Studio has both a YouTube channel and a website to maintain and then there’s this site here on which to tell you all about all of it, lol. I am busy, but I am happy and fulfilled! If you’d asked me 5 years ago where I would be right now, I probably would have said ‘on the couch!’. But here I am, working towards the things that I would love to turn into full-time work at some point. Then, for me, it will feel mostly like full-time play!

I’m not saying you should try to monetize your hobbies. That’s not for everybody. Sometimes it kills the love you have of the things you are doing. It is perfectly okay to enjoy your hobbies just as hobbies. But if you want to turn them into an income stream and you’re willing to hustle for a bit to get things off the ground, do you think you could do it? My answer to that now is, YES I CAN!

Take it from someone who sat on the sidelines of life for far too many years. Years I try not to regret, but rather reframe them as the necessary foundation to getting where I am now. Dear One, if you have an inkling that you’d like to try your hand at a new endeavor, a new business, or anything that’s new and exciting and maybe even a little scary for you, my advice is to go for it. No one will do it for you. And….You will never know until you try!